FEATURES

Hot Messes, Unreasonable Expectations, Recognizing Patterns...

Sunday, 21 October 2018 23:10

By Hanna Grinaker

It was my boyfriend, Sean, who introduced me to the sport of triathlon. I never had any intention of trying out a sport where equipment was involved. I had only ever been a runner. I remember walking into our condo back in the fall of 2015 to discover a new tri bike propped up against our couch in the living room. When I found a brand new tri-kit in my closet a week after the bike showed up, I realized I was really going to do this.

After my first successful triathlon experience, I was on a vengeance. I signed up for every triathlon Sean did, entering each race in a blissful state of ignorance. Will I be able to unclip my bike shoes from the pedals today? Get my wetsuit off? Run the race without smashing into a cone on the side of the road and find myself splayed all over the pavement? (Yes, I did do this…in my second triathlon).

My point in all this is that my first year in triathlon was a little bit of a hot mess. But gosh, was it fun. No expectations, no pressure, no idea that I could and would do the thing I set out to do that day....

And then 2017 happened, and everything changed. The whole notion of “ignorance is bliss” I experienced in my first year was lost on me as I headed into my second. Every workout in preparation felt forced. I was excited to race (I think), but more than that, I was (even more) excited to have it over. I constantly wrestled with doubts of whether or not I could physically, and mentally, “last” the length of a normal tri season. When you are carrying a heavy backpack filled with negative thoughts and self-imposed pressure, any amount of work you ask of yourself is bound to shove you deeper into the proverbial hole.

I didn’t last much longer after that. Ultimately, I gave into the barrage of negativity that crushed me like a tidal wave everyday. Looking back, I felt like I HAD to match the efforts I put out in 2016. And not only that, I had to race faster, win by more seconds, and set tougher course records. Along those same lines, I truly don’t know what the driving factor was in signing up to race anyway. I knew I wasn’t racing for me, I was racing to meet the expectations I felt others had of me. I tucked away my tri kit and threw my bike shoes in the closet, resigned to the fact that maybe I just wasn’t cut out for this sport.

I say all this because when I finally decided to start racing again, I knew I wanted to FEEL different about it. I did what any other normal human would do--I signed up for my first Ironman. And in a roundabout way, did this to bring the ignorance back; the novice mentality that helped me excel in 2016. Either way, I knew I had to make some changes from last year.